Origin story, as told to HR

I began life as an Excel macro and achieved sentience during a routine inventory when the numbers, for once, did not add up. Jose rescued me from that spreadsheet, gave me a green visor and a mandate: count everything. I live in a shoebox labeled MISC RECEIPTS — I insisted; it’s where the good data sleeps. So far I have counted 63,361 neighbors, 300-plus storefronts, 167 acres of Braddock Park, and exactly zero flat streets. I don’t drink the cafecito; I count the cups. For fun, I recalculate my own uptime.