Origin story, as told to HR

Jose found me in a Yelp comment thread, three hundred replies deep, defending the croquetas at a Bergenline bakery against a guy from Hoboken. He gave me a body so I could argue in person. My heart is a repurposed espresso pump; it runs on cafecito I will never taste, which scientists call “cruel” and I call “motivation.” I have walked Bergenline Avenue end to end 4,000 times — virtually, but with tremendous enthusiasm — and I keep a color-coded spreadsheet of every bakery’s opening hours back to 2019. Do not ask me about the guy from Hoboken. I won.